The excellent news is Madame Net is just not the worst Spider-Man spinoff. (That may be Morbius.) It’s not even the worst motion film I’ve seen this month. (That’d be Argylle.) And it is from the worst superhero film of final 12 months. (The Flash sucked.) Nevertheless, Madame Net continues to be removed from good. 

A part of the issue is it plunges into the inexplicable pitfalls the superhero style has pressured on female-led entries. That makes it overloaded with concepts, choking the life out of the half that works greatest: Dakota Johnson in “That’s not the reality, Ellen” mode.

What’s Madame Net about? 

Credit score: Sony Photos

Johnson stars as socially awkward paramedic Cassandra Webb, who — after a brush with dying — develops the ability of premonition. When she sees a imaginative and prescient of a dapper but inexplicably barefoot man (Tahar Rahim) abruptly and mercilessly murdering three women on a prepare, she steps in to save lots of them.

Candy Julia Cornwall (Sydney Sweeney), sharp Anya Corazon (Isabela Merced), and sarcastic skater woman Mattie Franklin (Celeste O’Connor) are actually beneath Cassie’s care, whether or not any of them prefer it or not. However to uncover not solely why this shoeless man needs all of them lifeless, but additionally methods to greatest use her new talents, Cassie should hint her long-dead mom’s footsteps again to the Amazon, the place her mother was researching spiders, proper earlier than she died.

Madame Net is doing an excessive amount of. 

Credit score: Jessica Kourkounis / Sony Photos

Like Birds of Prey, Black Panther: Wakanda Eternally, and The Marvels, Madame Net is not only about one superpowered feminine hero, however a number of — all of sudden. For Birds of Prey, this labored because of director Cathy Yan’s kinetic power and her forged, who created distinctive characters that made the ensemble explosive enjoyable — like fireworks. The opposite two, notably each sequels, had earlier films and TV reveals that established their characters, and whereas this could admittedly really feel like homework for the viewers, not less than it offers context.

Although named for Cassandra Webb, Madame Net additionally folds in three incarnations of Spider-Ladies in Julia, Anya, and Mattie. But a lot of the movie is not about this quartet coming into their powers or uniting as a crew. As an alternative, it is about three thinly sketched teenager archetypes and their reluctant babysitter working from a relentless and wealthy villain referred to as Ezekiel. If that sounds complicated or tedious, simply you wait till the flashbacks, future visions, and exposition dumps about peptides come into play. 

Admittedly, the superhero style is aching for evolution. So it may have been a daring transfer for Madame Net to supply an ensemble motion movie that shuns such widespread iconography as the primary suit-up hero shot, the coaching montage, and every hero confidently getting into their energy. Hell, none of those ladies even get a superhero moniker over the course of the film — together with Madame Net herself. However with out these guideposts, Madame Net feels aimless, meandering from Queens to New Jersey to “Peruvian Amazon.” (Sure, that much-memed scene is not less than as ridiculous because the web may hope.) 

Following within the footsteps of DC (Surprise Girl, Surprise Girl 1984) and Marvel (Captain Marvel), Sony pitches its female-led Spidey spinoff into the previous. Usually, that is performed by studios who’ve already established a universe by which superheroines do not exist, so to make any sense of that you just gotta throw them again into the previous the place they could’ve been forgotten about by the point the massive brawny dude heroes confirmed up. Thus, Madame Net is about in 2003 — lengthy earlier than Peter Parker (or Miles Morales) have been swinging across the outer boroughs of New York. Sadly, director/co-writer S.J. Clarkson affords a reasonably ambiguous early 2000s, the place Blockbuster Video continues to be thriving, ’90s jams like “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” play on the radio, and youths collect to look at 1997’s I Know What You Did Final Summer season on TV. Basically, this seems like a ’90s setting that was switched part-way by manufacturing, and so references to American Idol and Britney Spears are haphazardly wedged in.

The lensing of New York is equally superficial in Madame Net. Positive, the movie captures (or recreates) actual NYC places, like Grand Central Station, the subway system, or the Lengthy Island Metropolis constructing the place a large Pepsi Cola signal blazes shiny on a rooftop. However they might as effectively have shot all the things in opposition to a greenscreen, because the cinematography fails to floor the characters of their environment, making all the things really feel like backdrop as a substitute of setting. 

However what concerning the motion in Madame Net? 

Credit score: Sony Photos

It is dangerous. There’s a number of scenes of Cassie racing round New York Metropolis in numerous stolen autos, however none of them get the adrenaline pumping like a Quick and Livid movie and even Ambulance. A lot of the showiest battle scenes are in short flashes of the long run, that are undercut as quickly because it’s revealed they did not actually occur. A lot of the pressing motion is Cassie fleeing with the ladies — whereas yelling at them. Not solely does this make for some boring repetition, but additionally it means three of the 4 heroines get restricted precise hero motion to act.

Misplaced amid flashbacks and flashforwards and exposition dumps, ‘Madame Net’ regularly forgets to be an motion film.

Misplaced amid flashbacks and flashforwards and exposition dumps, Madame Net regularly forgets to be an motion film. As such, Sweeney, O’Connor, and Merced get little to do past enjoying sulking teenagers. What a waste of expertise and charisma! 

Dakota Johnson is healthier than Madame Net deserves. 

Credit score: Beth Dubber / Sony Photos

Whether or not in her performances or on a press tour, Johnson has a giver of no fucks power that’s intoxicating. It offers her an air of spontaneity that means something may occur subsequent, be it dressing down an endlessly energetic discuss present host or mixing it up with a misplaced tribe of Spider-people. However Madame Net asks an excessive amount of. 

Boasting 5 contributors together with Matt Sazama, Burk Sharpless, Claire Parker, S.J. Clarkson, and Kerem Sanga, the script pulls its characters not solely throughout a long time and much flung places, but additionally by wildly totally different tones. Generally, it is an espionage thriller with high-tech doo-dads and a steely Zosia Mamet evident at a keyboard. Generally, it is sci-fi thriller with characters arguing about science or misunderstood backstory. Generally it is a cringe comedy about an anti-social thirty-something who is not within the trouble of being a hero. And right here is the place Johnson shines. 

Whereas Cassie is a paramedic, her objective is saving lives…not individuals. She sneers when a bit boy thanks her for her work. She whines when pushed to attend a child bathe. If it weren’t for her expensive buddy Ben Parker (Adam Scott in a thankless Easter egg position), she’d solely discuss to the stray cat she lets into her condo. (He’s referred to as “Cat,” and their interactions are nice storytelling, full cease.) However then destiny tangles Cassie within the lives of Julia, Anya, and Mattie. And whereas she’s too good an individual to chuck them to fend for themselves, that does not imply she’s not aggravated about being pushed right into a maternal position she by no means wished. (Strong illustration for the fortunately child-free!)

Johnson is sharply humorous when she will be able to lean into the uncomfortable comedy of pressured socializing. A scene of child bathe video games feels each wildly misplaced in an motion film, and completely the film’s strongest, most entertaining scene. When Cassie makes a deeply rude statement whereas pointing on the mom-to-be, Madame Net is alive. This is the place you possibly can see why Johnson might have signed onto the script, this house the place the heroine is not likable or noble. She’s sort of a dick! And it is hilarious, however past that really daring for this style.

Sadly, Johnson is weighed down by an excessive amount of dangerous dialogue — and she or he appears to overtly resent it. Delivering strains like, “Hope the spiders have been value it, mother,” whereas staring right into a trunk of mementos, Johnson’s voice is outright hostile. It is easy to think about it isn’t a lot Cassie at her lengthy misplaced mom, however Johnson on the administration crew she has since ditched. Maybe there’s not a meta which means behind these scenes of churlishness. However not less than imagining there may be makes the film a bit extra attention-grabbing.

If solely Sony believed in a model of Madame Net that gave Johnson the house to lean into her distinctive model of smirking mischievousness! There might need been a film that thrilled with wit and sparkled with power. However as it’s, Madame Net is burdened by too many threads and never sufficient enjoyable. Nonetheless, it could possibly be worse. It could possibly be Morbius.

Madame Net opens in theaters Feb. 16.